Break ups are usually messy. Your book doesn't talk about all of the tug-of-wars that happen after dissolution. (Getting back together over and over, trying to be "friends", jealousy when you see them with someone new, etc.) During this time, it's difficult to know when the relationship is completely over and it's time to move on. Share with us your thoughts and experiences on this whole "after the dissolution" phase. How do you know when it's REALLY over? When do you stop trying to rekindle the fire? When do you know that you're ready to move on?
It's over when you can be simultaneously happy for them/neutral towards them, and not be jealous of people who look at them. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteI haven't actually been in too many relationships, but I'm still friends, even good friends with the more important ones. There aren't really any hard feelings or anything.
I'm not sure I'm able to answer this blog really.
sighhhhh... this is so hard!!!! lol. I think this is one of those things where you do not even notice it when it happens. it just kinda hits you way after it already happened. at least for me. YOu need closure for sure or else you will never rest peacefully over it. break ups can really get ugly especially when one wont let go. Deterioration is like quick sand and u can be stuck in it and be in denial for a longgg time. you just have to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI think that people try to continue in a relationship bacause many different reasons as we talked at class (confort, money, children, religion, culture, family pressure, and also because people doesn't like to finish something that suppose to last forever as the marriage). After the dissolution phase, my opinion is that you know it is over when the persons who were a couple before, each one starts a new project of life in which he or she can satisfy their needs (job project, good friends, feel loved, practice some sport, help people, etcetera, doing activities that give sense to his /her lifes)so they do not need the dependance with the other. But, I think,it is possible but sometimes difficult to achieve, because, although somebody has a "new life", some times if the couple had children together can be necesary to interactuate.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are so varied as are their endings. From basic companionship to complicated long term relationships we need different types of closure to move forward. With this said, I believe that you cannot reach this point while you are still involved phisicaly or romanticaly in any way. You must reach a point where there exists a healthy disconnect from the other individual. Next, depending on what type of interaction is necessary between the individuals a person can make a decision on what kind of relationship can healthily exist. Now, there can be a sense of closure and an individual can begin to work on self-healing. You cannot erase a relationship.....you can bury it or you can come to terms with it.
ReplyDeleteTo me, it's over when I don't even remember that the person exist! But to get to this point it takes tiiiiiiiime. The only exception: bad relationships!! In these cases the minute it's over, it's happily over!
ReplyDeleteWith my experiences, I learned that in this short life we have you have to let go when you lose repect for that other person. When that happens to me, my rose colored glasses come off and I know in my heart and in my mind I can't stay. If your heart is not in it then its time to let go and not waste time.
ReplyDeleteEvery person is different. Every relationship is going to be different. Being single in high school, I did my best to establish early on that I had no real intention of forming a relationship. Usually this would be fine, then later down the road, it would become more complicated. Emotional attachments would be made, and someone would usually get hurt. I am happy to say I still maintain some level of friendship with ladies I may have dated but did not pursue anything further. I like having an established friendship, with both parties knowing no romantic interest exists. Of course it is not this way with every young lady from my past. People can remain amicable, and drift apart with time. Few relationships have ended with one or the other being labeled under the terms of hurt feelings. After my first serious high school relationship during senior year ended badly, it took me some time to recover. Before her, I had never emotionally attached myself to anyone. Yet I grew immensely from the experience. I look back now and smile, I was so sad...lol. But I learned the sooner we get back on our feet, focus and embrace ourselves, and re-embrace life, the sooner we recover. Besides, change is good for people.
ReplyDeleteWell..from what I've learned so far and seen in my relationships and others its all different. It basically depends on the person and whether or not there putting effort in it. Honestly, if they don't show anything I think its time to move on. Which is extremly hard especially you really love and a lot of time has been put in. However, all I know now is once you get out and start doing things, meeting new people, going new places it makes you feel a lot better. Even if you think something is going to happen with that person you should still try to move on and give it rest and they'll come back to you if its supposed to be that way. :)
ReplyDeleteit wasn't that difficult for me to figure out that things were over... I came home from a training event, she had found a boyfreind and a divorce attorney. Completely blind-sided by all it, I went through the full range of emotions, starting with anger and working through the list. At one point I blamed myself for never beiing there, I blamed her, I wanted her back, then I didn't, I said I could forgive her, then I couldn't, I wanted to try again, then I didn't,... It all happened over the span of about 6 weeks.
ReplyDeleteAfter the divorce, I decided that I would bury myself in my job, and not even meet women, let alone date anyone. I stayed single, and didn't date for 22 months!
Slowly, I re-joined the human race and began seeing someone on a steady basis. We had dated years prior... and she was my son's mother, and we realized that there still something there. We had each had a "starter marriage" and knew what we didn't like in relationships, and before we knew it, we were in one!
We've been married for 9 years, 8 months.
Wow, so maybe it's been confirmed for me when they're completely insincere.
ReplyDeletebreak ups are so hard, but i think people just know its over when they have tried there hardest and there are more downs then up in the relationship. how does one know they are ready to move umm when they truly have forgiven the person or them selfs for what they did and just admitting it. some people can be friends and some just can not. i think you just have to be honest with yourself and your other. everyone has had heartbreak moments i can admit that i messed up yes i hurt not just me but others becuase of my lies. it took me almost a year to realize i was at wrong.. but like 4 years later i am more honest and a better person and can say i am not ready to settle down or lead someone on bc i like my me time and guys understand that and respect it. guess thats why i have more guy friends then girls?
ReplyDeleteIt is true that after a break up discussion, no one knows what really to do. Does it take a day, week, month or more for you to stop thinking about what you had? I can remember after a long relationship breaking up with some one that I thought I would be with for a long time. The funny thing is the feelings are still there but that person isn’t. Seeing her laughing at the jokes of another guy and smiling to him as she did me is what some call a “Gut-Check”. To most, these signs would tell you that she’s over the relationship. However, is it truly over? Yes! When you try too hard to get that person back in your life and they want nothing to do with you again, it’s over! But that doesn’t mean that I was willing to get over what relationship I had. It takes different people different amounts of time to get over the “Ex”. Some say that the longer you are with that person the harder it is to get over them. Myself… I believe this to be true. After almost three years together and being the first serious relationship I ever had, it took a long time to finally convince myself that she was never coming back. But when something end it just starts the begging of something new. You always remember and it’s ok to, but also remember “You can’t move forward until you let go of the past”.
ReplyDeleteI think you know when it over before you ever break up. well at least for me, I go though a blah phase where I'm not happy but not sad either, things are just not working for me and if we address the issues and things don't get better then you go separate ways.. well that is how All my relationships have gone so far, with the exception of my ex husband, with him i knew it was over the first time he hit me then it was just a how to get out of it... for me I have never thought about going back to any of my past relationships, If it didnt work the first time why would it ever work?
ReplyDeleteI agree with one of the comments above, because I always knew things were over before they it actually happened. To be honest I usually just break it off when I see things are getting to that point anyways or I prepare myself for when they do tell me it's over.
ReplyDeleteAs far as jealousy goes, when I was younger I use to get upset when I saw an ex with someone after we broken up. As I got older though....I have learned that their is more to life than moping about someone who doesn't care about you anymore.
I think you have to start back with you to get over a tough breakup. You have to find yourself again. Go back to the things that you had previously compromised. Pick up your favorite hobbies, learn something new, spend that quality time with your family and friends that you had missed out. Discover what is it that caused the downfall in your past, create a list of standards that you require in your future mate and stick to them. Or as they say "if you're scared, go to church"!!!
ReplyDeleteI think one has to be strong and go with their gut. There is constantly this rational vs. heart tug of war going on in your head during a break up. Like I know they don't do this or that but....I love them. I think you have to be strong. Create a list of what it is you want what it is you expect. Learn that you deserve it and and finally don't settle. It's important that we don't let our guard down on our standards because we all deserve happiness and you have to be rational about it. *If that person didn't give you what you want in the past, they're not going to now. You can't change people. Thats a hard lesson to learn
ReplyDeleteWell i know when it's really over is when I'm able to think about my ex and not cry. I'm currently in the post break up stage and some moments are a lot easier then others. I know as each day goes by I'm a bit closer to being over it all. I know the moment when I'm able to look back and think about our relationship and NOT cry or feel terrible inside then i know i am over it. Also I'm learning to be able to take sometime to worry about myself, i thought i was ready to move on but boi was i wrong lol. Life and love is a process and I try to take it as it comes. I think i'll be ready to move on when i meet someone worth move on with.
ReplyDeleteI know when it is really over when contact ends between us. If we are in a relationship and my partner is not listening anymore or is not interested in what I am saying I know it over. If he does not get butterflies and smile when he sees me then I know its over. I know when its over cause I can feel it and I start looking for other people to talk to. I am usually ready to move on when the sparks are not flying and they are not even trickling or trying to trickle.
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